Panic

Getting older freaks me out. When I think about the fact that I'm nearing thirty, my throat gets tight and my breathing quickens. What is it about aging that gets me so worked up? Is it that I feel I haven't really lived yet? I wouldn't think so. I'm happy with where I am in life. I'm a mother to an incredible child. I'm involved in my community. I have a lot of love to give to the people around me. Maybe it's that I feel I had to grow up too fast? I got married very young. I don't regret marrying Ryan, not one bit. I truly wouldn't change that for the world. I do feel that I had to be responsible too early on in my youth. I never went through that carefree, spontaneous stage that most kids get to experience. I feel a little regret there. I get so hung up on nostalgia because of this. In reality, my teenage years weren't that amazing, but my mind has warped them into something they're not. In my memory, they're almost dream-like. It's crazy. I really do need to figure out how to move on from this. It definitely holds me back from looking forward to growing older. Yes, I became "adult-like" very early on. Yes, I missed out on some things because of this. But I also probably avoided a lot of heartache as well. I am aging, but I am not old. There's still a lot of life ahead.

Hodge Podge

You know why I haven't written lately? I have too much to say and I don't know how to start. Ergo, this blog will be a hodge podge of all that has been on my mind and heart as of late.

For starters, I finally feel confident. Not a cocky confidence, but more so a realization that I am who I am, and I accept myself. I used to be the type of person that needed outside assurance that I was a good person, pretty, <>. As of the last few years, I've given myself some slack. Your outward appearance doesn't define you. Having confidence in yourself is the best "beauty treatment" you could possibly give yourself. Confidence is sexy. Yes, sexy. When you let the opinions of others roll off your back, it is so freeing. I have come to realize that I was, indeed, created in God's image. This gives me fearlessness.

I hope you all know by now that I am a christian. I fully believe in God, in his mercy, in his love, and in what awaits us after we leave this earth. I strive to not be a cheesy, un-relatable christian. But one that is real, is honest about my short-comings (which are many many many), and one who strives to show God's love. God has given me a very sensitive heart, which has helped me feel love and empathy towards the people around me. Sometimes I feel it is a little too sensitive. I was openly weeping while driving last week after witnessing chickens being transported to their demise. Seriously, God, I think I need a little more toughness in that area. I wonder how God is going to be able to use me when I can't handle the awfulness of so many realities. Anyway, this is not where I was intending to go with this post.. I wasn't always so confident in the realness of God. In the past, I've been very bitter, pessimistic, and cynical when it came to my faith. I've since learned that we don't live in a perfect world. Not even close. The Bible never said that life would be fair. It never said that the good hearted would live and succeed. It never said those you love would always be protected and kept safe. It never said your body would work perfectly. It never said you would be able to have children naturally. It never said (are you ready?) that your children would outlive you. I know I bring it up often here, but when Eli died..so did my faith temporarily. I questioned everything I had been taught. It all comes down to love. I know God loves me. I know I love him. I've learned there are things we experience on this earth that we'll never understand. We just need to "keep on keeping on" and strive towards the big picture.

Love.each.other.