157 Pages That Changed My Life

There are very few moments in my life that are important enough to be tucked away in my permanent memory vault. Some of those rare experiences are, of course, the birth of Jackson, my first date with Ryan, the first time I sang on stage, my wedding day, intimate conversations with close friends, etc. The one that just might stick out above all the rest is the loss of Eli. There are times where I feel my heart has just about healed, but something happens that rips the sutures right out and leaves the wound exposed. An innocent little question like, "how many children do you have" causes me to inwardly wrestle with myself about how I should answer. "Only one" is a lie in my eyes. Usually, I say it anyway to avoid the awkwardness that comes with explaining the full story. When this happens, I try my hardest to stuff those tender feelings right back where they belong and sew it up again. I've probably gone through spools and spools of imaginary thread doing so.

Yesterday, something happened which caused that hurt to come spilling out..and start to heal. I'd gone over to my parents house to swim for a bit while I put Jackson down for a nap. My mom had given me a book to read called "Heaven Is For Real" by Todd Burpo. It was a small, non-intimidating little book, so I figured I'd take the opportunity to float in the pool and crack it open. (Spoiler alert-This book is currently in my "permanent memory vault"..). The concept of the book was really intriguing to me. It's about a little boy named Colton who almost died on an operating table and lived to tell about his journey to heaven and back. Colton came back with biblical information that he'd had no knowledge of before. Information that no almost-four-year-old would ever be aware of. I could go on and on about the details he gave literally took my breath away, but my advice would just be to read it for yourself. It only takes a few hours and it's worth it. The part that was the most life-changing for me was when Colton came to his mom asking about his "other sister." Rather than try to describe it, I'm just going to share what the book actually says:

"Mommy, I have two sisters," Colton said.
I put down my pen. Sonja didn't. She kept on working.
Colton repeated himself. "Mommy, I have two sisters."
Sonja looked up from her paperwork and shook her head slightly. "No, you have your sister, Cassie, and...do you mean your cousin, Traci?"
"No." Colton clipped off the word adamantly. "I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn't you?"
At that moment, time stopped in the Burpo household, and Sonja's eyes grew wide. Just a few seconds before, Colton had been trying unsuccessfully to get his mom to listen to him. Now, even from the kitchen table, I could see that he had her undivided attention.
"Who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?" Sonja said, her tone serious.
"She did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy.".....
...A bit nervously, Colton slunk back around the couch and faced his mom again, this time much more warily. "It's okay, Mommy," he said. "She's okay. God adopted her."
Sonja slid off the couch and knelt down in front of Colton so that she could look him in the eyes. "Don't you mean Jesus adopted her?" She said.
"No, Mommy. His Dad did!".....
...Now Colton went on without prompting. "In heaven, this little girl ran up to me, and she wouldn't stop hugging me," he said in a tone that clearly indicated he didn't enjoy all this hugging from a girl....
...Sonja's eyes lit up and she asked, "What was her name? What was the little girl's name?"
Colton seemed to forget about the yucky girl hugs for a moment. "She doesn't have a name. You guys didn't name her."
How did he know that?
"You're right, Colton," Sonja said. "We didn't even know she was a she."
Then Colton said something that still rings in my ears: "Yeah, she said she just can't wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven."
From the kitchen table, I could see that Sonja was barely holding it together. She gave Colton a kiss and told him he could go play. And when he left the room, tears spilled over her cheeks.
"Our baby is okay," she whispered. "Our baby is okay."

While I never doubted where Eli is, it's so reassuring to know that he really is okay. Thank you, God, for being the parent I wish I could be for my sweet, little son. It also warms my heart to know that he isn't nameless right now. I can't wait to meet you, baby boy!

A Little Perspective

I realize this blog has been entirely neglected lately, and it's about time I started writing again. A lot has happened since my last post. Mainly the fact that I've become a mother to the sweetest, cutest, smartest little boy on the planet. He has given my life a whole new meaning and has helped me grow in more ways than one. I look forward to waking up every day just to see his precious, gap-toothed smile looking up at me. He is my purpose right now.

It's taken a lot to get me to this point in my life. Let me paint you a picture. I haven't taken the typical "young person's" route during my late teens/twenties. If you'd given me a glimpse into my future at age 18, I'd be shocked at my journey up to this point. Some things I'd change, but most I wouldn't. This is what 18-yr-old me would have seen: I didn't go directly to a university after high school. I actually didn't go to one at all. No degree. I dropped out of community college at least 3 times. I would have had my heart broken by someone who didn't deserve it in the first place. Shortly after, I'd meet a wonderful man (boy, really) and would get married before I could legally drink. Barely making it from paycheck to pay check, we'd have to cut corners (and bills) wherever we could. We would move into a critter-infested apartment only to purchase our "dream home" (double-wide trailer) a few short years later. I'm only writing this to put the overly-used phrase "don't judge a book by its cover" in a whole new light. Think twice before putting a label on anyone. I know I do.

After becoming slightly more self-sufficient financially, we moved into a nice little townhouse and put our thoughts towards starting a family. I got pregnant fairly quickly, only to lose the baby five months into the pregnancy. The five days we spent in the hospital trying to hold on to hope that the baby would live was the most trying time of my life thus far. I can't even describe what it took mentally to keep that hope going. It's all we had. I gave birth to Eli James McHugh on December 5th, 2008. I watched his tiny little foot move once and then no more. In death, both Ryan and I got to hold the little boy we would never get to know. The only tangible things we have now of Eli are photos and a grave site. This, and also the many complications of my pregnancy with Jackson, gave me extreme anxiety which I'm still dealing with today. It was the finger on the trigger to what already was an underlying problem. Day by day, I'm dealing with it.

The events in my adult life have truly given me a whole new perspective on life. First, be open with people. Don't judge them. Life really is all about love and relationships, and I want my heart to be my legacy. I want people to know that they can come to me, and that I'll honestly care. Because I will. I have a lot of love to give, and I can't wait to find an outlet for it to be put to use.

Second, stop complaining. I see so many people openly complaining about such trivial little things. Be happy you're alive. Be happy you still have time to change what you don't like about your life. Be positive. Stress causes too many problems, both mentally and physically. It's not worth it. Plus, it gives you wrinkles..come on now.

Third, look outside of yourself. Another point to my candidness is to open up your eyes to the fact that everyone has a story. Your angry co-worker could be going through depression. The person who just cut you off on the road could have just lost someone close to them. The rude cashier could be dealing with loneliness. Whatever the case may be. Again, life is about relationships. And love. Give it freely to strangers. You'll be surprised at the results.

I'm a far cry from perfect. Thank God for that. Please forgive my next statement, for it's really cheesy. "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." I don't have to be perfect to make a difference in this world. I'm not where I want to be yet in life, but I'll get there. Do I have regrets? Of course! Anyone who says they don't is lying to themselves. Thank God we're all in it together.

I love you all, truthfully.

Here's to being a better blogger!

-Rachel

p.s.-I'm not proof-reading! Hmmph!